WAR!


Chapter Thirteen

 

Bandersnatches and Pysniterflacki * by Todd K. Frazier

The water rose another foot. Todd tried his favorite number up to 14 digits including the decimal on the 386, which would soon be covered in water.. 3.141592653589.

Nothing. "Arg!!!" He complained.

"Shut up, I'm getting ready to die!" Jeff yelled.

"Try to have some dignity, for crying out loud!" Todd returned, punching in the word Zysnanthiansky. The screen flashed. Then asked a question:

"Spring or Winter?"

"I think I'm on to something here..."

"What?" Jeff asked. Just then the screen went blank.

"Too late. The water's gotten to it. We're going to die."

"Great! Just great!" Jeff sighed. "Wanna sing old Beatles tunes while we wait?"

It was true that Todd and Jeff had no weapons surgically implanted; absolutely, positively true. However, Todd did have a special brain. His brain had been analyzed, mapped, and altered very slightly many years and War!s ago. The neurons within his mind had been given a specific pattern which allowed it to link up in emergencies with an old friend's mind, anywhere in the galaxy. All Todd had to do was think of bagels while in a panic. He began to think of the round rolls in a very panicked state, and it wasn't the situation they were in, rather it was the way that Jeff sang "Ob-La-Di" that did it.


"What's he doing in there?" Greg asked in a puzzled voice.

"What difference does it make, they are dead ducks. Get it? Dead ducks? Water? Ha!" Craig laughed at himself. David laughed at him too. Not because it was funny. Because Craig was NOT funny. In a funny sort of way, that is.

"No. Look at Todd. Something is wrong here. I've got a bad feeling."

"You're paranoid." David suggested.

"Maybe." Greg agreed. "But then, why are my hands suddenly unable to move?"

"You can't move your hands?" Craig asked.

"Nope."

"Good. I thought I'd lost my mind. I can't move my hands either."

David looked at his friends in terror. "You guys aren't putting me on, are you?" Then, just to really scare Greg and Craig, David disappeared.

Greg and Craig turned to the viewer which allowed them to see Todd and Jeff suffering. As they watched, a large Pysniterflacki Water-Feaster beamed into the room with the two drowning victims. It began to drink, until the room was totally dry.

"That's it!" Todd shouted.

Diving for the computer, (which had come back due to the sudden absence of moisture) he typed with his tounge, the 14 letter word 'Pysniterflacki'. With that, the door unlocked and Lender walked in.

"Lender!" Todd exclaimed.

"Lender!" Jeff shouted.

In the other room, both Craig and Greg screamed, "Lender!!!!???" in unison.

"Hi." Lender replied. "I see they left you naked again. By the way, who are the perverts this time?"

"Greg, Craig, and David." Todd answered, as Lender removed Jeff's straightjacket. "I see that the emergency signal works well." Todd tapped his noggin.

"Read you loud and clear there, buddy. How's things?"

"Fine, just fine. Sorry to be back in your universe again. It involves a long drawn out story with some execs at Wal-Mart and William Gates XIV and a few spacial anomalies.. I don't want to get into it, or I might start to whimper. But, I thought you died a few War!'s ago?

"Well, spacial anomolies can be handy things at times, for me too. It's good to see you!" Lender slapped Todd on his back. "Er, but I don't want to see THIS much of you. Here's some clothes."

Todd and Jeff got dressed, "Handy hint there with that Water-Feaster, thanks. What did you do with David?"

Lender grinned in a rather unpleasant way. "Well, our transporter requires a balancing of matter in transference when beaming life forms over great distances, so I had to send something back in exchange for the 'Feaster."

"So that would put Dave exactly where?"

"Oh, about 5 miles under water on Oceana."

"Hmmmmmm.. " Jeff began, "That gives me an idea."

"And that reminds me," Lender began, "I'd better take care of our friend here." As Lender, Todd, and Jeff beamed from the room, the 'Feaster was replaced with an equal amount of water.


Greg and Craig watched helplessly as the three in the other room beamed away.

Then, Greg watched helplessly as Craig beamed away. In his place beamed the largest Sabertoothed Bandersnatch Greg had ever seen. It looked very hungry.

Greg watched in horror as the Bandersnatch slowly moved towards him, saliva dripping from it's long teeth. In his mind, he was already formulating a plan, but it had some unfortunate problems in it:

1. If David was currently under 5 miles of water on Oceana, he was most likely surrounded by a large group of very angry 'Feasters. He had about 2 minutes left until he was out of air.

2. If Craig was replaced by a Bandersnatch, it meant that he was most likely on Bander IV which was nearly 900 lightyears away from Oceana. The fact that the planet was teaming with life that made the creature that was eyeing Greg look like a gentle lamb, was also a factor that made Greg worry for his younger friend and current team mate.

3. Greg's final worry was that while he was immobile, the creature facing him was not. And, for the first time in it's existence, it didn't have to compete with hundreds of dangerous beasts for a tiny morsel to eat. Further, it didn't have to worry about being eaten, itself, which was a pleasant circumstance at best.

The Bandersnatch roared in triumph, and opened it's rather impressive maw.


A few light years away, a chocolate covered man waited. The President had found himself and his ship snatched away into this new galaxy along with his newest enemy. So he tracked him with sophisticated equipment beyond anything known to Greg's kind, and when he found him, he waited. He waited, just in case Greg escaped. If such an impossibility could happen, he would be there. His life had been destroyed by Greg. Now that he had found him, nothing would stop his revenge.

He beamed the entire 150,000,000,000,000,000 credits into his personal bank account, replacing Greg's fortune with an equal amount of debt notices from creditors, stripped his ship of everything except a cappuccino cup, and set the warp core to breach for good measure. Being president, his own ship was very powerful, and he accomplished all of this from a very far and safe distance.

He waited to see what the Bandersnatch would do, watching in delight on his viewscreen. An evil laugh escaped from his sneering mouth.

continues



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