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DAVID BAPTIST

HORNECDOTES

fun anecdotes about professional brass players

French Horn players and brass players
everywhere know the agony of screw
ups and ecstasy of perfection inherent
in live performances.
Hornecdotes consists of a few of
David's favorites and those you have contributed.
 

  • Rehearsals: David's Rules of Behavior
  • The Dropped Mute
  • Hand Horn
  • Ah, Conductors
  • Symphony Orchestra - Rehearsal Deportment Police

  •  
    *This page is an archive of items that David wanted to share. It has been left "as is" for your enjoyment.*
     

     
    REHEARSALS: DAVID'S RULES OF BEHAVIOR
      1.   Show up early.
      2.   Have your part prepared.
      3.   Take a pencil.
      4.   Sit up straight.
      5.   Pay attention
      REAL RULES OF BEHAVIOR
      1.   Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
      2.   Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to "peak" too soon.
      3.   If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
      4.   Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
      5.   Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
      6.   Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
      7.   Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbor to tell you when to play.
      8.   Always play the 4th Horn cues, because he always plays yours.
      9.   Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
      10. Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
      11. Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
      12. Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
      13. Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
      14. Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
      15. Never let anyone play louder than you.
      16. Always glance at the conductor. He likes to think he's in charge.
    BACK


    THE DROPPED MUTE

     
     


    This hornecdote was submitted by Howie S., Canada

    The following was told to me by one of the players in our section (The Calgary Civic Symphony).
    Some years ago, during a concert one of the horn players dropped his mute on the floor. Obviously not wanting to look like a klutz, without "skipping a beat", he calmly picked up the mute and handed it to the player next to him.

    BACK


    HAND HORN

     

    Hornecdote submitted by Mike ("Moose T") at Huddersfield University, Huddersfield, England

    A certain teacher of note made slightly critical comments of the use of Hand horns (apparently described them as being generally played by "the brown rice and sandals brigade"!)  It just so happened that one of our number was practicing the Telemann Horn concerto for a forth coming contest. While our teacher was on a break, we got the department's hand horn from the store and the soloist set up for his lesson.  Us other hornists stood outside the practice room, but within hearing distance. Enter our teacher to the sound of the Telemann. His response? A cry of, "Oh my God!".
    Well, I suppose you had to be there.

    BACK


    AH, CONDUCTORS.......

     

    Hornecdote submitted by Mike ("Moose T") Tupper, Huddersfield University, Huddersfield, England

    My fave hornecdote happened to an unnamed 3rd horn playing under the baton of Sir Thomas Beecham.

    The orchestra were about halfway through rehearsing a phrase in the overture, when Beecham stopped conducting.  "Third Horn, you're flat!" The orchestra played the phrase again..."Third Horn, you're still flat!". A musician raised his hand. "But, Sir Thomas...the third Horn hasn't arrived yet?".  A pause, then Beecham replied, "Well, when he does arrive, tell him he's flat!"

    BACK

     
     

    This was found on a bulletin board in the NAU Music Department - source unknown
     
    SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
    REHEARSAL DEPORTMENT POLICE
    Name of offender:
    Intstrument:

    IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL

    FINE
    Date/Time of Offense:
    Location:
     
     

    ******************

    FINE
    __Stupid questions
    $10
    __Reference to obscure recordings/
          performances
    $90
    __Really stupid questions
    $25
    __Pretending to understand absurd
         metaphor
    $90
    __Really stupid questions which 
         increase rehearsal length
    $300
    __Understanding absurd metaphor
    $25
    PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST YEAR
    BEHAVIOR
    FINE ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS FINE
    __Musicology
    $25
    __Playing high notes louder than
         possible (brass)
    $2500
    __Historical nitpicking
    $50
    __Holding same 1/4 beat longer than
          everyone else (brass)
    $200
    __Obtrusive foot tapping
    $10
    __Discussing technique during
         rehearsal
    $100
    __Uninvited conducting
    $15
    __Discussing technique during
          break
    $200
    __Questioning Concertmaster's or
         Principal's bowings (strings)
    $25
    __Discussing technique with Guest
         Artist (at any time)
    $500
    __Comparing Concertmaster's or
         Principal's bowings with what
         Philadelphia Orchestra did under
         Ormandy (Strings)
    $100
    __Tiresome time-consuming
         anecdotes
    $30
    GENERAL TOADYING FINE __Tiresome, time-consuming
         anecdotes about famous musicians
         (second hand)
    $60
    __Insane cackling at Conductor's bad
         jokes
    $50
    __Tiresome, time-consuming
         anecdotes about famous musicians
          (FIRST hand)
    $90
    __Lound and forced horse laugh at
         Conductor's bad jokes
    $10
    __Naming yourself after a dead
         composer
    $50
    __Unwarranted beatific smile while
         playing (strings)
    $40
    __Naming yourself after a LIVE
         composer
    $100
    __Conspicuous professional reading
         (e.g. International Musician, etc.)
    $3500
    __Feigning European birth by
         "Lapsing" into foreign languages
    $150
    __Stulifying minute bowing/breath
          questions
    $75
    GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR FINE
    __Conversing with Conductor in 
         language other than English
    $95
    __Selling Amway
    $50
    __Active and public nodding in
          agreement with Conductor
    $35
    __Inviting Conductor to party
    $15
    __Pencil behind ear
    $25
    __Inviting Guest Artist to party
    $100
    __Conspicuous part marking
    $15
    __Showing pictures of Guest Artist
         at party at the first rehearsal
         after the party
    $200
    __Letting pencil clatter on stand 
         after conspicuous part marking
    $500
    ************

    _____________________
    Signature of Citing Official

    __Obvious, insipid consultation of
         Conductor's score during break
    $150
    Failure to pay fines
    shall be cause for
    Revocation of
    Artistic License
    BACK TO TOP

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